JOAN RIVERS
The Military
“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”
Will Cost
“Gay marriage – I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”
Door Faster
“I hate Tom Cruise… In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, ‘The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,’ and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, ‘No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'”
Least Halfway
“Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.”
My Gays
“The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because ‘Balzac’ sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.”
Frilly Little
“I’ve always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes – just like the boys in Glee do.”
Children Together
“I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they’d also instinctively know how to decorate them.”
Been Nice
“Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception.”
Cow Goes
“Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”
Another Queen
“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”
Your Are Me
“I want them to know I don’t think I’m wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: ‘I am you and you are me, and we’re all feeling the same thing.'”
Who Limps
“He who limps is still walking.”
You’re Alive
“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.”
Guess What
“If you’re going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you’d be an ass to come out and say you’re gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I’m gay… It didn’t matter anymore because he didn’t have to bring in 16-year-old girls.”
Long Since
“It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who.”
Best Friends
“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends.”
Key To Happiness
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
Make A Door
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door…or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Source:
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