In all honesty, there are few things more enjoyable than unfriending people on Facebook. Hey, thanks to this wondrous phenomenon, there is such a word as unfriending in the world. There is still no such word as irregardless no matter how many people vote democrat. While there are such things as people who truly enjoy movies starring Adam Sandler (*shiver*), we can rejoice that they can unfriend those who know better.
Unfriending people on Facebook provides power seldom found anywhere or anyhow else. Sure, one can delete a number or contact from their phone, but don’t get all uppity if that’s your level of power. Anyone can delete in such a manner and the power implied is not nearly as influential as it was when your nanny did it all those years ago. After all, who knows when you delete from your phone? What? Did you make the claim, princess? How are you going to prove it?
But unfriending people on Facebook is something the world can see. Untold numbers of people can see you’re friends with (insert name here) and then later, say, “He was once friends with them, but no more! Do you think he, I mean, you know…”
“But would he dare? Would he?”
Then all involved break out in awe and shocked laughter. “Oh no he didn’t!”
What adds to the thrill is unfriending people most would never treat in such a way. For example, if you can get someone famous or at least important to friend you, just imagine how awesome it would be to unfriend then in the eyes of the world.
“Damn, dude! I saw you’re friends with Yvonne Strahovski on Facebook! How did you pull that off?”
“Well, I was friends with her.”
“Do you mean you…”
They look, see she’s no longer on your friend list and then bow to your level of astonishment. “Hey, she should’ve put out, but no. So, how empty inside is she now?”
(When you hear them mutter, “whoa,” hear it in a manner done by Keanu Reeves. Thanks.)
The liberating rush of unfriending could send you into a tizzy of simply friending with anyone just to cut that tie as though you’re an internet god, but don’t believe the hype. Friending just for the sake of it, or with the sole agenda of unfriending at the right moment, is similar to bragging about getting two candy bars from the vending machine when you paid for but one. The victory is too shallow to even qualify as such.
To further the point, don’t unfriend those who really should not be unfriended. If you’re friends with someone who saved your life via CPR while surrounded by flames and then you unfriended them just for the thrill, you would certainly suck as a person. But if that same person is rubbing in the point regularly, soaking in it, then that changes the equation. Dismiss them like a Star Trek red-shirt.
After all, this is about power over others on a global scale, but not in a vicious or despotic manner. The goal is to place people in their place, not to crush the soul of your mom. Thus, this is not an ability to cut loose just to unleash a bloodbath of hurt feelings. However, if you’re friends with someone who’s hurt you in the past, regardless of who they are, drop them like a wet cigarette.
Enjoy it, too. Savor the fantasy of picturing them just sitting there, looking at their reflection in the screen as their bottom lip quivers and the tears cause the vision of the tie severed to waver. Hear them rush from the room in a squealing yelp as their arms flail over their heads and they blaze headlong through a sliding glass door and knock the brand new propane grill into the pool, forced to watch it sink to the deep end. It prompts a sense of virtual and literal sense of tumescence, doesn’t it?
But let’s be honest and real for a moment. Considering those you actually unfriend, how many of them would ever know you did it? What percentage of them would even recall you were on their friend list? See, this is where we find the truth in the fantasy. Sure, you could unfriend your aunt because she was a bitch when you were an asinine teen, but what about that old contact you haven’t seen in fifteen years or more? Facebook does reconnect people who otherwise might never cross paths again, but the truth is they don’t have squat to say after the first ten minutes of reminiscing.
So, rather than allow their inane posts to take up your space, hack them down like the has-beens they are. Unfriend them with all the ceremony of flushing a dead goldfish and forget them just like you did the cashier who took your burger order.
It’s a tough world, people. Don’t be one of those wannabes who have 518 friends on Facebook. Come on, we all know they’re not friends with but six of those losers, so who’s kidding who? If you have more than about two dozen friends there, is time to start the clearance party. Those relatives not related by blood? Boom. Gone. The fool from high school who once spit in your milk and then, years later wanted to be pals online. C’ya. They’re related by blood but they suck? Into the vacuum.
Look at Facebook for what it is, which is a gathering place of like-minded and well-loved people who have made a difference in your life. If you enjoy reminiscing with a friend you haven’t seen in decades, then savor the pleasures FB provides you both. You can relish in the changes and stages in one another’s lives as children grow, people evolve and the former assholes die off. But why, oh why, would you have on your friend list an individual who prompts you to sign off when you see them signed on? Isn’t this akin to hanging out someplace where there are people who are a threat to you?
Do a rundown of those names along the column on the right. Do you really, truly know all of them? Do they truly, really mean that much (or anything) to you? Or, for the love of all that is Holy, do you actually feel some sense of rudeness or shame in eliminating them from your FB? Are you kidding me?
Picture this as a party. Perhaps a wedding or maybe a family reunion where everyone you know somehow got invited. Now, picture yourself drinking too much, retrieving an automatic weapon and forcing everyone out by the pool. Hear their cries and accusations of your insanity (Jesus, but that gets old and boring, doesn’t it?) while they cling to one another in the cold, cold rain. Now, imagine yourself drawing back the charging handle and unleashing dozens upon dozens of hollow-point rounds into all those you truly know shouldn’t be there. Then, watch with joyous glee as their wracked bodies fall into the reddened water and easily sink to the bottom, creating a soupy and splendid cacophony of final solution. Then, after the smoke clears and the ringing in the ears eases, imagine those left rushing to you with accolades and triumphant cries of relief and gratitude.
Yes, that is exactly what it feels like to unfriend on FB. It’s fantastic, isn’t it?
So, go ahead and fire away. Just allow me a moment to put in my ear plugs and then top off my drink so I can savor the excitement in peace and with a smile.
Source:
http://ift.tt/1vk0Es1